you're capable of putting back a few when you have to

[confidenceman]

In the first few months after Clementine arrived in the city, Sawyer hated leaving her side for even a moment. It wasn't any sort of romantic parental instinct at play — far from it, it was nervousness that kept him attached to her at practically all hours for which he was home. Afraid that she'd fall, or break something, or otherwise be hurt beyond repair.

Ironically, now that she's been walking and making her own way around the apartment more, Sawyer feels at ease leaving her for longer days with her nanny. Something about the fact that Clementine can now point at a place on her body if it hurts, or offer different words when she needs help getting things, puts him at ease. He's been able to communicate with his child now in ways he never could before.

Which is why, when the nanny offers to add on another hour to her time with Clementine without charge, Sawyer takes it. Adds on the extra wage she'd be paid normally despite her protests, reaches in his fridge for a couple of beers, and makes his way to the roof of the building to watch the sun set.

It's not a bad way to close out the day.

When he spots a familiar face also emerging from the stairwell, Sawyer grins, holding up his second bottle of beer. It's too cold outside for there to be much condensation on the glass, but in spite of the way the goosebumps rise on his skin, Sawyer can't help but think that he feels more like himself right now than he has in months.

"Join me for a beer?"

Comments

[confidenceman]

"I'd still like to move out to the countryside eventually," admits Sawyer, taking a long swig from his bottle, smacking his lips afterward. He rubs at his forehead with his fingers, as though to try and ease away some of the undoubtedly permanent creases there. It's been a long few years, going back much further than the couple he's spent in Darrow. "Can't afford it right now. Not sure when I might; maybe it depends on whether or not anyone's lookin' to rent their house out there. But eventually, I feel like... this whole crowded feel ain't really me, y'know? I can always come back and visit for the views. Spend a night in a hotel if I wanna hop 'round the bars. But there isn't anything quite like havin' acres to run through. Not being worried 'bout the next building over blocking the sun from streaming into your room."

[refusedtocall]

"Sounds like it would be nice," Carla Jean says, smiling a little at the thought before she takes a long drink in turn. "Me, I'd take somewhere in the middle. Not sure I'm cut out for livin' in a city, but I don't know what I'd do with acres, either. There wasn't a whole lot of space in the trailer park where I lived before this." She speaks lightly, devoid of any self-consciousness. She's never seen any reason to be ashamed of where she comes from, the life she had before here, and that might be especially the case with someone else who isn't used to living in a place like Darrow. So she lived modestly. That's no less true now, even with the money to her name that she gets every month. It's hard not to get a little stuck on that, sometimes. She doesn't know what in the hell Llewelyn ever thought they would've needed that two million dollars for; even if everything had turned out alright, she doesn't know what they would have done with it.

[confidenceman]

"I was born in Jasper, Alabama. There wasn't really a shortage of land to spare — but that ain't really why I like the idea of things bein' more open. I... left home when I was pretty young. And once I did, I was always on the run. Never really stuck around a place for long. There were a few times when I'd end up anchored to a place longer than I expected," Sawyer reminisces, his smile hardening for a moment as he thinks about the Island, still feeling a trace of the fondness he once held for it buried under layers and layers of grief. There was a time when he thought he could make that place a permanent home.

He's learned better.

"But, I don't know. Can't picture myself stayin' anywhere forever. And even if I did, it can't be a place like this, can't be a life where I just walk down the same few blocks every day. 'Least out in the countryside, things change with the seasons. Clementine, though..." He exhales with a shake of his head. "She's got veto rights."

[refusedtocall]

"Well, I'm sure she has good taste," Carla Jean says, somewhere between fond and teasing. What he's said is logic that makes sense enough to her, anyway, albeit only in a theoretical sort of way. That's one more thing she's never really done. Whether it was at home with her grandmother or at home with Llewelyn, she was always more inclined to stay put, never looking for more out of life than what those small towns could offer her. Now, she almost wishes that she'd seen a little more of the world, if only because she'll never have a chance to. "That sounds nice, though. Somewhere away from all this. Might make bein' stuck feel a little less dull."

[confidenceman]

"Does it feel dull to you? Livin' in a place like this?" Sawyer asks, glancing over at Carla Jean. Something about speaking with her feels almost like home. Or how he imagines home might be — a soft, Southern hospitality that doesn't carry so much bitter history with it. In the quiet of the evening, he also realizes just how little time he's had to himself as of late. There aren't quiet moments to spare when taking care of a toddler.

"I mean, the view's fantastic, but... where d'you see yourself headed in the city? Got any dreams this place can help you reach?"

[refusedtocall]

"I've never had much in the way of those," Carla Jean admits with a soft smile, pausing to take a swig of her beer. "Back home I was a cashier in a Walmart and I was just fine with that." Of course, there'd been more to her life then, too, a contentment that had nothing to do with her job or anything else, but her ambitions have never been great. "The way I see it is... as long as I'm here, as long as I have something, then everything else comes second to that. I can't say I find it dull. I kinda like the quiet."

[confidenceman]

"Mm," Sawyer hums, thinking to himself. He's always had ambitions, but in many ways, they were born out of a sense of necessity. Having lost so much at a young age shook Sawyer to the core, forced him to realize that there was no way that he could ever completely rely on another person. And the only way to guarantee his own security was to keep on pushing, to keep on grabbing more of the world for himself. Only since getting to Darrow has he slowed down somewhat.

But even now, he's trying to work hard for Clementine's sake.

"Nothing wrong with being content with what you have. More people could stand to do it. There's still stuff that makes us happy though, ain't there? Doesn't have to be something that society expects us to want or try for. Maybe it's as simple as... I don't know, sailing the ocean."

[refusedtocall]

"I can’t say I’d mind that," Carla Jean says with a crooked grin, almost wistful, though she suspects that, once she got out there, she’d mostly just find it daunting. Before she got shot and then opened her eyes on a beach, she’d never seen the ocean in person before, never really got out of the desert. Looking at it from the shore, wading out into it, is one thing, but being out in the middle of it would probably be another.

She doesn’t really think that specifically is the point, however, and she considers it for another moment before answering. "I guess I’d have to say… findin’ something that makes me happy like that. I don’t know what it would be."

[confidenceman]

Had someone asked Sawyer upon his arrival to Darrow what he was most interested in experiencing, Sawyer knows that the best answer he would have had were a couple of raised middle fingers. When grieving, it's hard to even imagine what happiness might look like. There's too much of a void to fill, too much imbalance that leads to the flare of a quick temper. Only now does Sawyer find himself thinking about life in the longer term.'

He can't blame someone else for having trouble getting to that point.

"Well, here's hoping you find it, then," Sawyer says, reaching over to clink her glass with his own. "I mean, your odds ain't bad. Pretty blondes have got the look going for them. I'd know." He tosses his hair playfully for emphasis.

[refusedtocall]

Carla Jean lets out a laugh at that, tipping her head back as she does, then taking a long swallow of beer. "Yeah, I guess you would, wouldn't you?" she replies. "I don't know. Most people don't even get that once, let alone twice." It doesn't make all that she's lost easier to bear, necessarily, but it does make it easier to accept what's come her way. She had three great years with a man she loved. There's nothing in the world she would trade that for, and it's clear in the look on her face, though it may be a little wistful, that she isn't dissatisfied with how what she's said might apply to her. "And for now, I'm happy just to be here at all."

[confidenceman]

"Yeah," Sawyer says quietly. That sentiment is easy enough to echo. He's still not sure on a daily basis whether or not he deserves to be in Darrow. Something tells him that he isn't, that he's still ever waiting for the other shoe to drop, for all the wrongs he committed to come back and bite him in the ass later. But for now, things seem safe, and calm, and he's unwilling to let that all slip away out of some sense of fear or apprehension.

Some might call it growing soft. But maybe, Sawyer thinks, just maybe this is the new realism. Do what's possible with the time that one gets.

"I guess that makes two of us," he says, grinning as he tilts his bottle in Carla Jean's direction. "Cheers to that. Maybe next time, we can drink to Darrow without freezin' our asses off on the roof."

[refusedtocall]

"You've got yourself a deal," Carla Jean says with a warm smile, almost laughing on the words. It's not as bad out as it could be, at least, as it was through a lot of last winter, but there's a definite bite in the air, and she can't deny that the idea of drinking inside next time is a little more appealing. Just the fact that he's pretty good company would be reason enough to agree, anyway. They might come from fairly different places, but it's close enough that this is pleasantly familiar, that she kind of feels like there's an inherent understanding there anyway. She hasn't had that with a lot of people in Darrow. "And drinks'll be on me next time."